The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one

What in the hell am I going to do with my life?

I can't see myself doing anything in particular in the next ten, twenty, thirty years. I'd love to be an archaeologist, I'd love to be a zookeeper, I'd love to be a writer, I'd love to be an astronaut. I'd love to just be...something. Something interesting. Something that's going to hold my interest.

I've been looking around at courses and things, and I've got a few in mind but they're so different from one another and I really picked a stupid time to do it - after applications close.

I've almost finished my cert III in business and initially I was going to do cert IV but life and money issues got in the way.

I'm so envious of people who have direction in their lives, know what they want to do with the rest of it and are actually doing something about it.

With all of these options rolling around in my head, I honestly don't know what to pick, whether I should pick anything or just find a job then go from there. But I want to study something in order to get the kind of job/s I want.

I hate making decisions, I suck at them. And being proactive in life is one of the things I am loathe to do.

I've been looking at going back to uni, doing a bachelor in arts, focusing on anthropology. When I was doing my uni course a few years ago, anthropology was one of the best classes I had and if I was in the right mind frame, I think I would've enjoyed it and actually done well at it.

On the other hand, I've been looking at the tourism/travel industry. There's no jobs in tourism without studying for it. So I could do a course with that, then look for work...or something.

I don't know. I don't know what I want, I've never known what I want and when I finally decide, it's too god damned late.

Suggestions, comments and the like are really appreciated at this point.

If you haven't ever witnessed it before, this is me reaching out.

Help, anyone?

Fuck them, fuck them all. Just fucking ask, even if you already know the answer. You may think you know, but I could surprise you with a different answer. Fuck you - angry Ian noises rushing through my head right now.

More than annoyed, because it seems to be happening more and more often. So fuck you all - I can't be bothered with you for a while.

Friends

I don't come on here much anymore. No one reads this so what's the point? But then i think, that kind of is the point. I want this to be like a diary, and no one else need read this but me.

My friends - some of them at least - some of the things they do...baffle me. I'm being selfish in this right now I know, and I'm not saying what I want in any order but I know what I'm trying to say.

They will be on their phones the entire time I'm with them, even when I'm talking to them, there they are, texting other people, having private conversations with other people. If you wanted to talk to them so goddamned much, go and hang out with them and don't even worry about spending time with me. They sit on their phones so fucking much when I'm with them then every fucking time I message them, it takes half a day to get a response.

Am I not worthy enough to get a prompt fucking reply, and yet everyone else that you text gets to have hours of conversation with you in a row.

What the hell.

And then there are others who crave attention and I give it to them, yet I never really get the same amount back. Sook sook, whinge whinge. Well everybody wants a little bit of attention, and right now I want it. Why is it that, for example, friend A is sad so me and friend B make them feel better. Then if friend B is sad, I do the same thing yet friend A & B do the whole 'you're awesome' 'no, you're awesome, and great and blah blah blah' and when I'm sad I get nothing.


And again, there's people who know you're free, know that you're bored or at home  - so they get together, posting about being all together and they don't invite you. Don't ask if you want to come with them, you get nothing. You get left out and it's bullshit. So you do it back, and the cycle continues.

It doesn't help that I don't like telling people how I'm really feeling. I know I should open up more but really, it just come sout as bitchy and then people get defensive.

Goddammit - I hate people. And friends just get under my skin. They're like family - they piss you off but you couldn't live without them, couldn't get rid of them even if you tried.