On a large enough time line, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero

I don’t know how I got onto the subject but the other day I was driving home and I realised that I’ve never had someone close to me die yet. Don’t get me wrong, I know people who’ve died, I’ve had relatives and classmates and teachers and family friends die. But they weren’t someone I spend my days with, who I’ve grown up with, that I’ve had the opportunity to really get to know.

I haven’t had someone really close to me go and I’m not sure how I’m going to handle it. I don’t know how people do it when they lose a beloved parent, sibling, family member, friend, partner. I don’t see myself coping well. But I can’t say either way, because as of yet it hasn’t happened. I don’t want it to for many years to come, but I know that I will have to face it sometime. That's the way life goes.

My Pop (dad’s dad) died when I was about 7 or 8, and I have very few memories of him apart from photos. I have memories of him in his shed, making toy trucks and dollhouses for his grandchildren. But he never had the chance to know any of us, not really.

Then there’s Darcy. A classmate. An acquaintance. Both of us would never have considered the other a good friend. We never had the opportunity to. I remember getting mad at him once in high school. Before there was anything wrong. Or before we found out there was anything wrong. It was lunchtime. He was sitting with all of his friends at the chairs looking out over the oval. I was sitting with Jenny on the footpath in the shade outside the windows of the IT rooms. You remember where I mean? Anyway. He and Andrew Wat were being complete dicks, throwing stones and shit at us and I completely lost my shit. I remember getting up, stomping over there and yelling right in Darcy’s face. He promptly said sorry and he was nice to be from then on...he may have avoided me for a while but he was always nice after that.

Casey’s step-dad Phil. He was hilarious. He was nice, he joked around, he was a big kid. Knew him for maybe a year before he passed. He was always fun whenever he picked up the phone calling for Casey. I thought he was great when I saw the ‘Jenny St’ sign in their house. He’d stolen it for Casey’s mum. That he would get her a street-sign of her name. Yes, theft impressed me. I couldn’t believe that he was dead when I saw their family photo on the news. It was right after New Years’ Eve, days before his birthday.

Nicole. My God-father’s daughter. That was one of the worst feelings. I was about 15 at the time. I remember staying at Lau and Jen’s house and mum rang me early in the morning, telling me that Nicole had died. I’d grown up with her, known her my whole life. We were babies together, I felt numb. I’ll try to get the story right. She’d broken her leg and the cast had been put on too tight. She fainted at home and the ambulance came. Took the cast off. They said she’d be fine and left. She had a blood-clot and it moved to her heart. She had a heart attack and died. Found out later that she’s actually had a stroke, not fainted in the first place.

I’ve made myself slightly depressed now, because death is a fucking bitch of a thing. It can bring salvation, it can end pain and agony – and it can also cause it.

I can’t imagine my life without the people that matter most. I don’t want to either. If I could die first, that would be fine be me, because then I won’t have to go on missing them every day. That’s a selfish thought, because I know that at least...5 or 6 people will miss me, but it means I won’t have to miss them. I don’t want to have to. But the pattern of life will continue and end in the same way it always has. I will enjoy the time I have with people, and hope that I don’t have to worry about things for quite a few years to come...

Unless you really piss me off, then I have no issue with sending you to your maker :)    

Laugh as much as you breathe and love as long as you live.

So, as of today, I've finished my certificate III in Business - yay for me.

That was never an issue - finding the work easy and having plenty of time in which to do it.

Now comes the time for decisions. One's that I'm not really sure how to go about. I need opinions so I can try and work out what I should be doing.

So, the situation at the moment. I am employed my a company called WPC Group. Think of them as a pimp, whoring people. Yes, in this analogy, I am the whore. So, I've been pimped out to Soughate Fleet Management. I do my study (or did now) at work through Vic Uni. Okay, now everyone understands? Okay.

Now, what I wasn't aware of, which has rather pissed me off, end of november my health care card ran out. So I applied for a new one and I was rejected (nauw) because I get this, earnt too much. $13.71 an hour is too much according to centrelink - the bastards.

So, since November, I've had to pay something like $1.64 an hour. Doesn't sound like much, until you factor in that I've been satudying a minimum of 12 hours per week, every week since November. I've currently got a $400 bill and I think there's a $300 one coming too.

I will not be finished, technically finished the course and get my certificate until that is paid.

Until Vic Uni recieves the payment, they won't send off my completed paperwork to my pimp, WPC Group.

Now, I've been looking into it, and hopefully once they get my completed paperwork from Vic Uni, they will complete my training from their end and I will be finished with them.

Then we get to the tricky bit. Southgate, if they wanted, can take me on as an employee of theirs, instead of a host employee.

Right now, I feel torn about it. I really like the people here, and the atmosphere is really good and I've only been here since August. On the other hand, there's honestly not enough work for me to do. Because I'm only the assistant, there's lots I can't do and really not enough time to train me to do anything else.

And they keep hiring consultants. So all of the things that I can do, the new guys are now doing as well. I don't think I want to stay here, with the travel and seriously, I'm working in finance right now - what the hell.

I've spoken before about the travel courses and the anthopology stuff. I want to look into that, see what's good for me....

And if I finish and Southgate doesn't want to keep me on, I won't have a job, and it'll be back to looking for work. So I need to start looking now and making a decision and applying for jobs.

I'm in a precarious position right now and I'm really not sure what to do. Congrats if you've followed along with all of that.

Thoughts, ideas, help, advice etc?

A dog will flatter you but you have to flatter the cat

I'm like a cat. Do not touch me before I've given you permission or I've come to you first. Every so often I will want to cuddle on your lap and only then will I allow you to touch me.

You should feel lucky that I've let you, because it doesn't happen often.

If a dog jumps into your lap it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing it is because your lap is warmer - A.N.Whitehead.

Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it

I met two of my third cousins on my mum's side on the weekend.

Now, many people have heard me state my disgust and wrath towards children many times. I tend to group kids into the "I hate them all" category but I've come to realise that it's not really true.

There are roughly about....5 children I like - all related to me, but it's a good start!

Whenever children first meet me or I don't see them very often, they always tend to look at me, see a big fat girl, crazy hair, dots all over my face (you can see their little minds working that I must be diseased or something, because otherwise why would I be so speckly) and they just tend to stare, not want to come over to me or play with me at all.

I smile and pull faces and attack the colouring books and pages and as soon as they see that I can draw and colour in with the best of them, I'm in.

It also depends on the kid as well. There's different ways of getting in with boys to girls of course. Colouring in works for girls. Playing with trucks and cars (and stealing/hiding them) and being all manly and awesome work for the boys.

Anyway, back to what I wanted to say.

So, my third cousin  - mum's cousin Vicki's two year old - I met for the first time on saturday. Neiko. She's the cutest little blond child I've seen in a while. She stared at me for quite some time, trying to figure out who I was, how I fit into her world, why the hell I was in her living room. Then she hit me in the face with a ball, squealing in delight, and I was her new best friend.

As soon as that happened, she made me colour in and draw with her - but I wasn't allowed to draw love hearts or flowers...or fish...she scribbled all over them as soon as I did - you don't have to tell me twice (most of the time).

And then she tried to wipe me freckles off with a cotton ball.

My shitty never-gunna-tan skin is quite a draw for kids, not sure why.

I remember by cousin Aeryn when dad's whole family went to QLD for a holiday, she was sitting in the car with me...she was probably 5 at the time I think and she asked me why she didn't look like me, why she couldn't catch freckles, why I couldn't share them and that she wanted freckles to look like me.

I'm taking that as a compliment and not because she wanted to be able to dot-to-dot herself.
Anyway, I like certain kids.

I think I need someone I see on a regular basis to have kids (danni I'm looking at you) so that I can play with them then give them back at the end of the day. It might build up my tolerance to stupid, annoying, children.

But then again, it may make it worse.

For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else

Things are constantly changing. I understand the concept and I both embrace it and push it away.

Things change around you and no matter whether you try to stop it's going to happen. Even if you try to hide from the world, things will go on changing without you, expecting you to adapt to the new situation.

Shorts-girl changed. She was wearing leggings today. I was shocked. And disappointed. (For those who don't know who shorts girl is, I have mentioned her in a previous post) I liked being able to depend on the fact that every day when she walked to and from wherever she was going with her backpack and her runners - whether boiling hot or raining or windy -  that she would always be in her shorts and all would be right in the world.

But she changed. And I don't like it.

I could fill the world with all the things I don't like.

But I won't. Because that would be depressing and who really wants a list of things people don't like? I prefer to make lists of things I do like...things I want to do in my life, with my life, books I've read, quotes I adore.

I started writing a new blog of quotes I like.

See what I mean about change. The topics change, the mood changes, the intent changes. I'm changing now as I write this. It's both a great thing and horribly annoying. Because you never really know what you're going to change into next. Whether it will be for good or bad. Most of the time, I want it to be for good, however I find myself mainly taking the pathway to bitchy evil.

It's like a security blanket. If I can't be 'the bitch' then who can I be? What role do I play if not the bitch? Most people are quite happy to give me the title, and I use to quite well. But I don't know whether I still want it....would anyone else take that title, do it justice?

Ramblings great. You never know where you're going to end up. More of that motherfucker: change.