Character is, for the most part, simply habit become fixed.

If I were a better person....If I were a better person I would;

Finish the things I started. I would actually do the things I said I was going to. I would work harder. I would've cared about high school. I would've done my homework and gotten my ass out of bed on time. I would've continued with uni.

I would care more about what I look like. I would take the dogs for a walk every day. I would get my hair done, get my nails done, wear nicer clothes. I wouldn't be so fat. I would try to fix the things I don't like about my body instead of complaining about them.

I wouldn't spend all my time contemplating what I should be doing. I wouldn't put things off and procrastinate.

If I were a better person I would tell people how I'm feeling and let people in. I wouldn't bottle things up and let them explode. I would be more accepting of stupid people who annoy me. I would forgive people instead of holding things against them.

I would have thought about money at a younger age. I would've thought about what I wanted to do with my life and gone after it. I would care about my life more than I do. I would care about life more than I do.

If I were a better person, people might care more about me.

But I'm not a better person. On a scale of the devil to perfection, I'm closer to hell than heaven. And actually...I'm almost alright with that. I know I'll never be beautiful, or smart or beloved by all, or powerful, or important. It's a good thing to know what you're not. Because then you can find out what you are.

And what am I?

I'm lazy. I love books. I'm addicted to sleep. And chocolate. I don't like people touching me until I'm ready. I'm a bitch. I don't like most children. I adore animals. I find myself funny. Sarcasm is my defence against compliments, rudeness, jokes - most things really. I love and hate being the centre of attention. I dance badly. I sing worse. I remember lyrics to horrible songs. I'm predictable. I'm unpredictable. I'm proud. I'm stand-offish. I'm cruel. I'm kind - to the right people, depending on the situation. I'm freckly and I like that. I'm fat and I don't like that. But I don't hate it enough to do anything about it. I have no willpower. I have low bladder control and low self confidence. I'm selfish. I care. I don't share things with people. I shut down when I don't like what I'm hearing.

I am me. I could be so much better than I am. I could also be worse.

I don't know whether I will grow towards perfection or the devil.

All I know is, I am me. For now, this is it. Most people don't like it. Don't get it.

But I hope that there are a few that do. That care. That love me. Even with all my faults and crap.

There's just more of me to love

Imagine watching Oprah, and she's got an episode on girls and women and low self-esteem. 

You see a fat lady holding a crumpled tissue, crying, puffy red face, her three chins wobbling. Wearing a pastel, baggy top. She croaks out in a small, under-confident voice "there's just more of me to love", trying to smile as her chin and bottom lip tremble. The crowd oooh's and auw's and sighs like she's been diagnosed with a terminal illness. (Well, it will eventually kill her, as life eventually kills us all)

Now, flick to The Jerry Springer Show. Any of the titles suffice. "I slept with my father", "I don't know who my babydaddy is", "back off...he's mine", "Back off my lover", "Before we marry, I must confess" - it doesn't matter, the episodes are all the same.  

You see three people sitting apart on stage. Two skinny men on either side of a largely obese woman in the middle. Wearing a mini skirt, a saggy-yet-tight singlet top with no bra, sweat stains peaking out from underneath sausage arms. Bleach blonde ends and jet black roots. Faded barbed wire tattoo looking like it's been stretched and slightly uncoiled. 

She yells over the crowd "there's just more of me to love" as she strokes her own nipple, licking her ruby-red lips. The crowd goes wild with disgust, screaming out at her obscenities. 

This one, inconsequential sentence can have such different reactions. Such different thoughts that run through people's minds. If this little, silly sentence can illicit such different reactions, how do important sentences come through? If the right person says the wrong thing, if the wrong person says the right thing, will the message still come through, or will people be stuck on the delivery?

Things To Do Before I Die

This is my list of things that I want to do before I die. Some I've already done already, and it makes me happy that I've started it. I've got a long way to go for the most part though.

Bold is what I did last year. Underlined is what I'll hopefully be doing this year :)

[X] Get a tattoo

[ ] Bungee Jump

[X] Sky Dive

[X] Scuba Dive

[X] See the Eiffel Tower

[X] See the Pyramids of Giza

[X] Go on a ghost tour

[ ] Visit Machu Picchu

[X] Go overseas

[ ] Go to the Mardi Gras in New Orleans

[ ] Learn to paint

[X] Go to Anzac Cove

[X] See Stonehenge

[ ] Send a message in a bottle

[ ] Plant a tree

[ ] Swim from one side of Lysterfield lake to the other

[ ] Whale-watch

[X] Pat a tiger

[X] Go to the Full Moon party

[X] Ride an elephant

[ ] By a stranger a bouquet of flowers

[ ] Swim with sharks

[X] Go on a hot-air balloon ride

[X] Ride a jet ski

[ ] Try abseiling

[X] Move overseas

[ ] See more than 100 concerts, musicals and plays

[ ] Visit all of Australia's states: 4 down 

[X] Eat an insect on purpose

[ ] See the Northern Lights

[ ] Be on TV

[X] Give blood

[ ] Read all of the books on my list

[ ] See an eclipse

[X] Be on the radio

[X] Find something I'm passionate about

[ ] Find a job that I love

[X] Ride a gondola in Venice

[ ] Swim with dolphins

[ ] Hold a snake

[X] Have sex

[ ] Fly in a helicopter

[X] Make a veggie patch

[ ] Set foot on all seven continents

[ ] Fall in love

[ ] Be in a relationship with someone who doesn't piss me off

[ ] Go to Sangkran

[ ] Go to La Tomatina

[ ] Go to Holi

[X] Go to Oktoberfest

[X] See the Dalai Lama

[ ] Buy a house

[ ] Fit into a size 12

[X] Go clubbing and not coming home till morning

[ ] Hold a lion club

[ ] Appreciate my life

[ ] Donate to charity

[ ] Name all my dogs & cats after book or movie characters

[X] Go to the 12 Apostles

[ ] Climbing the Sydney Harbour Bridge

[ ] Be nice for one whole day

[ ] Go without the internet for one week 

[ ] Learn a language

[ ] Stress less, and be happy

[ ] Get my whole leg tatooed

[ ] Be in two places at once

[ ] Enjoy the little things 

*Added*

[ ] See the Mona Lisa

[X] See the Sagrada Familia Church

[X] See Juliet's Balcony
[X] Visit the Valley of the Kings

[X] See the Pyramids of Giza & the Sphinx

[ ] Swim in every ocean

[X] Throw a coin in the Trevi Fountian

[X] See Mt Vesuvius

[X] Visit Abu Simbel

[X] Paraglide

[ ] Go Caving

[X] Try chocolate in Belguim

[X] Go to Troy

[X] Sing 'Climb every mountain' in the Austrian Tyrol

[ ] Go ice-skating

[X] Go to an ice-bar

[ ] Read every Stephen King book

[ ] Have Vodka in Russia

[X] Get a matching tattoo with someone

[ ] Do something stupid for stupid's sake

[ ] Spend a whole day eating junk food without feeling guilty

[ ] Try everything once

[X] Ride a camel in the desert

[ ] Say yes when I mean no at least once

[ ] Have kids?

[ ] Be a crazy old cat lady

[ ] Be the favourite, cool aunty

[ ] Go out dancing all night then go to work without going home

[ ] See a lunar eclipse

[ ] Stay somewhere haunted

[ ] Write my will

[ ] Sleep under the stars

[ ] Go camping - not just backyard camping

[ ] Drive on the autobahn

[ ] Accept myself for who I am

[ ] Be happy with my life & what I've done

[ ] Have no regrets

[ ] Build a snowman

[ ] Visit Hobbiton

[ ] Bury a time capsule

[ ] Attend the Opera

[ ] Attend a Ballet performance

[ ] Build a fire

[ ] Ride a horse

[ ] Learn to throw a boomerang

[ ] Learn how to play pool - and not just online

[ ] Have my palm read

[X] Have my tarot cards read

[ ] Watch the sun rise & set with someone in the same day

[X] Fly a kite

[X] White-water raft

[ ] Visit a castle

[ ] Visit Dracula's Castle

[X] Be naughty in Amsterdam

[ ] Volunteer for a charity

[ ] Celebrate the daa of the dead in Mexico

[ ] Go to Carniva

[ ] See the Diwali Celebrations

[ ] Mud Festival in South Korea

[ ] Battle de Vino, Spain

[ ] See the Burning Man

[ ] Have a snowball fight

[X] Skinnydip

[ ] Go to the drive-in movies

[ ] Break a bone

[ ] Eat our national emblems

[ ] Try Sushi

[ ] Parasail

Shit, better get on it!

Possibilities of wall-love

Please go through these and tell me whether you like any of these, and then I'll go from there.

All these primary impulses, not easily described in words, are the springs of man's actions.

Albert Einstein 

We are masters of the unsaid words, but slaves of those we let slip out.

Winston Churchill

No one is ever who you want them to be. And the less you really know them, the more likely you are to confuse them with the girl or boy in your head = Dash & Lily’s book of dares

Accept who you are; and revel in it.

TUESDAYS WITH MORRIE, MITCH ALBOM

I haven’t the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective candidates just in case I should ever figure it out.

NAKED, DAVID SEDARIS

It’s lovely to know that the world can’t interfere with the inside of your head.

ANGELA’S ASHES, FRANK MCCOURT

Words, words, mere words, no matter from the heart.

William Shakespeare

In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.

Robert Frost

A friend is one who knows you and loves you just the same.

Elbert Hubbard

A single rose can be my garden... a single friend, my world.

Leo Buscaglia

If a thing loves, it is infinite.

William Blake

Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival.

C. S. Lewis

Friendship needs no words - it is solitude delivered from the anguish of loneliness.

Dag Hammarskjold

Above, the stars shone hard and bright, sparks struck off the dark skin of the universe.

THE STAND, STEPHEN KING

So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be – Stephen Chbosky

One is loved because one is loved. No reason is needed for loving.

THE ALCHEMIST, PAULO COELHO

Maybe it’s sad that these are now memories. And maybe it’s not sad – Stephen Chbosky

And in that moment, I swear we were infinite – Stephen Chbosky

Alcohol gives you infinite patience for stupidity.

Sammy Davis, Jr.

Beauty itself is but the sensible image of the Infinite.

Francis Bacon

Thank God for books and music and things I can think about.

FLOWERS FOR ALGERNON, DANIEL KEYES

It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Things change. And friends leave. And life doesn’t stop for anybody – Stephen Chbosky

All human beings search for either reasons to be good, or excuses to be bad.

TELL-ALL, CHUCK PALAHNIUK

If wishes were fishes, we’d all cast nets.

DUNE, FRANK HERBERT

I’d cut up my heart for you to wear if you wanted it.

GONE WITH THE WIND, MARGARET MITCHELL

And for a moment, I understand that I have friends on this lonely path; that sometimes your place is not something you find, but something you have when you need it.

REBEL ANGELS, LIBBA BRAY    

Maybe it’s not about being the best. Maybe it’s about finding the little things that get you through the day – Unknown

So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.

THE GREAT GATSBY, F. SCOTT FITZGERALD

To love would be an awfully big adventure.

PETER PAN, J.M. BARRIE

Say the love out loud – Ian Logan

No need to hurry. No need to sparkle. No need to be anybody but oneself.

A ROOM OF ONE’S OWN, VIRGINIA WOOLF

Sing your song. Dance your dance. Tell your tale.

ANGELA’S ASHES, FRANK MCCOURT

Some friends don’t understand this. They don’t understand how desperate I am to have someone say, I love you and I support you just the way you are because you’re wonderful just the way you are. They don’t understand that I can’t remember anyone ever saying that to me. I am so demanding and difficult for my friends because I want to crumble and fall apart before them so that they will love me even though I am no fun, lying in bed, crying all the time, not moving. Depression is all about If you loved me you would.

PROZAC NATION, ELIZABETH WURTZEL