If you want to be happy, set a goal that commands your thoughts, liberates your energy, and inspires your hopes.

I haven't been able to control my emotions as much as I would like as of lately - whether they be good, bad or different.

Just getting an unexpected coffee delivery and not fucking anything up at work today (so far) has put me in such a good mood I don't know what to do with my happiness. It's just bursting out of everywhere right now and all I can do is smile to myself and write on a page that no one reads...which kind of puts a downer on things if I think of it that way...

But if I just imagine this to be a dairy, rather than a book, I wouldn't want anyone to read it and therefore it maked everything okay again. I sometimes get confused as to whether I'm writing on this for people or for myself as an outlet.

I like to think that I don't need others to read this and sometimes I even fall for it, silly girl. But of course I would at least like to think there's someone, anyone out there who gives a crap as to what I'm thinking or doing or feeling.

Everyone responds as soon as you put something morose or depressing on fb - even some people who you think shouldn't be pressing 'like' on sad statuses...but fb is more for fun...just doing something to fill up the time. I would rather people actually look on here and read my ramblings...but what the hell am I saying, that I need an audience to all of my shit?

I guess so.

The worlds a stage I guess. And really, do our lives mean anything if we don't have people there watching it, participating in it, becoming key figures in it? What is the point of life if you don't leave your mark on something? On someone?

I'm still in my happy mood....my fingers seem to have a life of their own sometimes and they go off on tangents....my brian does that too...whole body really.

I don't wnat to make this too long but I feel the need to just keep writing, like an itch I can't scratch.

I want to start writing again, finish off all those stupid little stories I started when I was like 16. But I can't find the motivation. I don't feel....inspired? At work, when I've got the time and when I'm home, I don't have a computer to write on.

I'll try one day soon to start again. But for now, I'll just be happy and enjoy the day and the weather and life. Yes.

Inspect every piece of pseudoscience and you will find a security blanket, a thumb to suck, a skirt to hold - Isaac Asimov

I quite enjoy wallowing in self-pity. Its a great safety blanket and in a weird way, it makes me feel better...makes me feel more like me.

I like the positive jas but she doesn't come out very often and when she does, I have a half loving, half loathing thing with her.

She's what I should be at all times, what I strive to be, what I want the future to be.

But then what do I do with negative jas? What do I do with all her history, her stories, her reactions.

I have to make a brand new person and chuck the old. I know I need to change a lot of things because I make the people around me unhappy...but where to start? How do you abandon all those mannerisms and ways of speaking and reacting?

I don't know what to replace them with and when to put them into play.

But I want to. I need to. I want to make everyone happy and not pull them down into my shit.

It's hard though. It's hard to change and let go of everything that makes me happy.

But I know I can be happier.

Goddamn...too many excuses and 'but's' in here.

I'm such a whining bitch.

What the hell was point again?

You're Just Like Me.

I wrote this in I think, 2006. At first, I didn't even recognise it and who this was for. It took me a while to firgure out that I'd actually written it, not just copy and pasted it from somewhere.

I am listening, but I cannot hear.
My eyes are open but I cannot see.
You are so close, and yet so far.
How can I not notice, you are just like me.
We are all the same, we are all just waiting to be heard.
But our turn may never come,
We may just be lost in the crowd.

It's not that we don't want to notice,
It's not that we don't care,
But we're not looking for those feelings,
We don't want to find them there.
You are so strong, so trusting and so true,
There was never a moment I thought I needed to doubt you.
But you are like me in that way,
You never show what your heart wants to say.

You were my fort,
My pillar of strength.
The smiles, the laughter,
That's where I put my faith.

But you smile was a cover,
Your laughter a cry.
And when I finally figured that out,
I just wanted to die.

How could I be so blind,
To not see your fear and dout.
You needed to be rescued,
That's what this was all about.

How could I be so stupid
That I couldn't see this coming.
Do you see me now?
Can you see me running?

No - I will be here, your pillar of strength
Standing tall & strong
Because you've been here for me
You've been there all along.

Has hit the wall.

There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast

Haha, I like this quote.

I pressed the snooze button today when I specifically told myself that I wasn't going to press the snooze button today! I'm annoyed that I don't listen to myself more often.

It's funny what strangers think is embarrassing. My pants were stuck into my sock at this guy behind me rushes up - he was fairly cute btw - and tells me that I wouldn't want to look embarrassing with my pants stuck a tiny, itty bit in my sock. 

I don't find that embarrassing or stupid at all really...now if it was toilet paper stuck to me, THEN I would've felt embarrassed.

Haha, that actually happened about a month ago. I was at Flidner Station, went to the loo and almost got to the door before a lovely woman stopped me bfore I walked out with practically a whole toilet roll attached to my shoe.

This is all random shit...I don't know why I'm writing about it but I just feel like I'm in one of those moods you know, when you're tried and you start to say and do and think stupid things...Yeah, I'm in a silly mood today.

Three more sleeps until I'm done at Gran's. But I won't actually be home until...probably Sat night or even Sunday.

I miss my bed. But I'm kind of liking going home to 'my own house'. It's quite nice. Will miss it.

Idiopathic cramps!

Don't worry, its not THOSE kind of cramps. They're in my legs whilst I'm sleeping!

I'm a little slow on the uptake, but I've finally looked up why the hell I keep getting woken up my my calve muscles cramping. They woke me up again last night and now I'm limping funny because my calf is still not all the way relaxed. This is the second bloody time this week and they always wake me up, it hurts so fucking much.
No one has any idea why this shit happens, it could be multiple things. There's also nothing you can do to stop it really, it's more a 'suck it up and bear it' type thing which is rather annoying considering most people say they go away, mine hangs around the whole of the next day.

Ultimate-bloody-leg-cramp!

So here are the possible reasons why this occurs;

Some drugs can cause cramps as a side-effect, or make cramps occur more often. These include: diuretics ('water tablets'), nifedipine, cimetidine, salbutamol, statins, terbutaline, lithium, clofibrate, penicillamine, phenothiazines, and nicotinic acid. - Well that's not it, not on anything.

Over-exertion of muscles  -haha, definitely not exerting myself.

Dehydration - I drink 2 bottles of water a day.

Conditions that cause alterations in the balance of salts in the bloodstream (such as a high or low sodium or potassium level). - I had maccas for dinner last night? High sodium intake, possibility, but doesn't explain the one at the start of the week.

Some people who have renal (kidney) dialysis get leg cramps - I'm not yellow so that's a no.

Pregnancy - usually in the later stages - immaculate conception exception, nope.

An un-treated under-active thyroid gland - gosh i hope not.

Peripheral vascular disease (narrowing of the leg arteries which causes poor circulation) - that ones doesn't sounds good but not likely.

Excess alcohol - I wish!

Some uncommon disorders of nerves - I don't like the idea of that.

Rare causes include: cirrhosis of the liver; lead poisoning; sarcoidosis - O_0 Holy hell, please not that!

Now, these are all a vague yet small possibility, then I found this;

In most cases the cause is not known. One theory is that cramps occur when a muscle that is already in a shortened position is stimulated to contract. As the muscle is already shortened, to contract further may cause the muscle to go into spasm. This commonly happens at night in bed as the natural position we lie in is with the knees slightly bent (flexed), and with feet pointing slightly downwards. In this position the calf muscle is relatively shortened and may be prone to cramps. This theory explains why stretching exercises may cure the problem.

DING-DING-DING, we have a winner!

So, not to self - don't tuck in your sheets or blankets and try not to point your toes whilst sleeping. How the hell do I stop myself doing that while I sleep!!!